Hi Love!
Miss me?
I missed journaling, too, but man have I been…. let’s say caught up with a ton of different things. TLDR: I’m good and also positioned to do much better int the immediate future. Some would say that I have one too many irons in the fire, but I might respond in turn that this is my forge! (That’s for my homestuck fan(s) <3)
I took a camping trip (my lil’ camera’s date is all wrong but it’s not like I need to tell you weirdos when I went) recently and it helped me, and also gave me a heart attack, and also made me think about a lot of different random things in my future! I saw a lot of good things, stole a lot of good photos with friends, and also forgot to do a lot of self-care that I was working on up until that point. It was totally worth it though, and I got to do it in my sick ass car B)
Okay this is supposedly the point, Love, where I’m supposed to actually say where I’ve been for like four months or so. The truth is that I’ve for the most part just been roughin’ it at life! I’ve had a workload in and outside of college that was a pace which stressed me out, and I forgot how to do a lot of basic important things for myself like recognize balance. I only realized as much around the beginning of December, where I chose to begin doing meditations multiple times per day dedicated to myself, so that I can feel more present, grateful, and myself throughout each day.
I want to appear not only strong but likewise constantly battling, and so in this website where I try to preserve genuine narratives from and about myself through time I will easily admit that as I grew busier I forgot more and more how to do really important things like:
1. Getting regular sleep
2. Creating art
3. Sharing my grief
4. Giving myself grace for having episodes of sorrow
But I was able to realize these things (in an extended interim period between therapists) about how I was hurting myself because I took some of my own old medicine. I thought back about some stuff that’s gotten me through before and was able to reflect: because this life is absurd, and the cosmic relevance of reaching destinations is zero, there is no greater privilege than. being known and validated for being the doer of the things that you want to be known for doing.
Camus described his interpretation of Sisyphus as one of a happy man. He faces eternity with a purpose. He must be happy because he knows he is a rock-pusher. I would add on top that he must be even happier because he is known now forever, regardless of if his eternity is even real, as a rock-pusher.
Tate Universe is known for trying hard, loving humankind enthusiastically, and taking a hands-on approach to affecting change. I don’t need to be anywhere else than I am now, to fulfill everything about my purpose which is made for me, and what’s left (at least to Camus) is to create Art.
This is kind of a hard pill to swallow for someone who’s trauma has hard-coded them to desire the validation from others which only comes from excellence, but it’s a necessary one to allow myself to know what the future will look like. Without it I legitimately can’t see past this next year, but with it I can legitimately begin to trust myself.
I am going to have likely an easy next two quarters in comparison to basically all prior UCSB quarters, and while it is a relief I also feel like,,,, frozen? I’m going to tell the world as soon as I get some sort of security about my future, so definitely stay tuned for that, but until that time, it’s hard not to feel like my heart is suspended upon those diving boards which are 50 ft high.
For now I need to return to roots and reexamine what it means to take in art and enjoy the privilege of the clarity I currently have in my life. I’m already extremely lucky, for my part. It was likely clear when I was writing those personal statements for grad apps, that it was genuinely hard for me to ask for more.
But legit, it’s a leap of faith. None of it happens without your upfront enthusiasm, ambition, and desire. I’m trying to jumpstart so many bruised and neglected parts of my interior as time passes because I want to be a more functioning and effective machine.
I’m not successful by any means yet but I am very privileged, and so I would hope that I can continue to fulfill the many real world obligations I have now which as a whole satisfy many of my “known by my effort” values.
Talk to you soon,
Tate
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